Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I hate water.

I hate water.

I hate it. I realize it's like 85% of your body, it's good for your skin, it makes your pee clear and less stinky, and it is for the most part the only way to survive. But I hate it. I mainly exist on nothing but coffee and wine. I understand that drinking water minimizes the post-wine purple lips in the morning. I understand that it will make my eyes less puffy and keep my liver more happy. But I'm not that vain so I'm actually judging you for thinking that.

I just can't bring myself to drink the stuff.

When I DO force myself to imbibe the tasteless, odorless, boring life juice, it has to be room temperature so I can chug it. I am definitely not going to sip the crap, so I need to be able to chug as much as possible before my brain takes back over and shuts the worthless "life saving" routine down.

I mean really, people are always whining about water weight. Guess what? No water = no weight! Tah dah! (Joking. The air diet is way more effective, duh.)

I have recently forced myself to drink enough La Croixs to get over the lack of delicious sugar, so that's been as close as I've been to a normal, functioning hydrator in a while. Seriously, if there was a Dehydration Anonymous club, I'd be so down to MC that little shindig.  And I'd serve coffee and beer. Both of which are made with water, I might add - they're just healthier options seeing as they're made from vegetables like hops and beans. I'm really doing myself a FAVOR.

If it doesn't do something to my mood, it feels like a total waste of my energy. Sleepiness is due to dehydration, you may say. Hence the coffee: sleepy no more. Body shutting down due to lack of my most basic needs, you may point out. Hence the wine: who cares?!

And the healthiest reason of all to be water free and proud- I pee less often, exposing myself to less public germs. Plus I'm supporting my economy. And I recycle. 

Proverbial win for mankind, I'd say. 

Do yourself a favor and drop the H2O for the Vino. You'll thank me in the morning, right after your skinny double macchiato.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Succulent should be a dirty word

Pinterest strikes again. This time in the vision of a succulent garden. I've been eyeing these adorable little glass spheres of unneedy greenery for over a year now... Never could find a reason to pull the trigger... But now in the bleak, bleakity bleakness of the Cincinnati winter I want some green in my life. And those fiddle leaf fern trees are just way the hell too expensive. Trendy trees are definitely something is never thought I'd be craving...

Mmmm figgy fern goodness

So yesterday I was running errands and headed to Home Depot. While waiting for my Cherry Cola paint selection for an accent wall I'm painting without permission in my apt, I wandered over to the plant section. The plant section in Ohio is approximately the size of a guest bathroom. Why? Because only garden assholes like me think they should be gardening when it's below zero outside. On that note I recently had a patch of grass delivered in more or less a pizza box for my puppy to poo in peace in. She wants nothing of it, and as such I now have a box o' turf on my porch, collecting snow...

Pre-porch... that would be a glass full of a random dog's yella snow.
Things get weird in Cincy.
I digress. I found some cute succulents. (What is a succubis? I know it's from some kiddy thing and I can't remember... But I want to say it every time I write succulent...) I then went to Michael's and found a mediocre glass bowl and some even more mediocre artsy fartsy pebbles and stones. I carried around a miniature dwarf in my basket for a hot minute until I remembered that I'm supposed to be hiding my Lord of the Rings affection from the public until my Frodo costume arrives for Comicon. Realizing the pebbles may not be enough, I bought some Spanish moss too. Which is absurd to have to pay for since I grew up with the stuff being a nuisance full of chiggers... Makes for great costume pubes though.

I got my goodies home and realized I'd made a whoopsie. Uh oh. They need dirt?! I've seen these things chilling in nothing but air! Clearly my green thumb and I are at a crossroads...

I know what you're thinking - they're going to let you procreate and care for a human at some point in the very distant future? But how human are babies, really? Much like a succulent they just need small amounts of food and daylight and someone to change their soil. See? I'm prepared.

After some prodding and digging and breaking of small plant arms, here's what I've got.

Pretty lame. I should've gotten a fish. And the gnome.

For added charm, I have been using a nettipot to water.  Straight from my nose to my little cacti friends.