I hate water.

I hate water.

I hate it. I realize it's like 85% of your body, it's good for your skin, it makes your pee clear and less stinky, and it is for the most part the only way to survive. But I hate it. I mainly exist on nothing but coffee and wine. I understand that drinking water minimizes the post-wine purple lips in the morning. I understand that it will make my eyes less puffy and keep my liver more happy. But I'm not that vain so I'm actually judging you for thinking that.

I just can't bring myself to drink the stuff.

When I DO force myself to imbibe the tasteless, odorless, boring life juice, it has to be room temperature so I can chug it. I am definitely not going to sip the crap, so I need to be able to chug as much as possible before my brain takes back over and shuts the worthless "life saving" routine down.

I mean really, people are always whining about water weight. Guess what? No water = no weight! Tah dah! (Joking. The air diet is way more effective, duh.)

I have recently forced myself to drink enough La Croixs to get over the lack of delicious sugar, so that's been as close as I've been to a normal, functioning hydrator in a while. Seriously, if there was a Dehydration Anonymous club, I'd be so down to MC that little shindig.  And I'd serve coffee and beer. Both of which are made with water, I might add - they're just healthier options seeing as they're made from vegetables like hops and beans. I'm really doing myself a FAVOR.

If it doesn't do something to my mood, it feels like a total waste of my energy. Sleepiness is due to dehydration, you may say. Hence the coffee: sleepy no more. Body shutting down due to lack of my most basic needs, you may point out. Hence the wine: who cares?!

And the healthiest reason of all to be water free and proud- I pee less often, exposing myself to less public germs. Plus I'm supporting my economy. And I recycle. 

Proverbial win for mankind, I'd say. 

Do yourself a favor and drop the H2O for the Vino. You'll thank me in the morning, right after your skinny double macchiato.