Thursday, March 20, 2014

Rule Breaking Noob

Tonight I broke a new rule, with only minor anxiety and sweatiness. Get ready for it...

I did not put on my seat belt on my airline flight. 

At all. 

Home skillet next to me was just playing Family Feud on his iPad with such alarming agility I couldn't bring myself to ask him to lift his ass and hand over my other half. I did flop the free end over my lap to deter the stewardess in her rounds. Then I sat back and managed to peacefully ride without one iota of thought (read: 5,000 nervous glances to the fasten seat belt light) about my potentially precarious position. 

Rule. Breaker. Next stop BAMFdom.

This is actually huge for me. I don't go outside the lines.
This is closer to me on a plane: 

Yes ma'am, I will do exactly as told, regardless of dumbassability.
As I have posted before, things like couch-forts (forts, not farts, which can also be baffling in the living room) in the living room or eating ice cream for breakfast totally blow my skirt up

I actually had a very funny pilot on what must have been a Southwest flight, bc only they allow humor, who came on after we touched down to announce that 16 people did not have their seatbelts on, according to what was likely a made up tracker. He told us not to look around for the culprits because it would make our neighbors uncomfy. He then informed us of a fun fact: in the history of the TSA, no passenger has ever beat their plane to the gate. Maybe not, but I sure skirted the lines of death tonight, broke all your crazy rules and lived to blog about it you sneaky bastards.

Update: the liberation stopped on my second segment. Seatbelt snuggly fastened and unbudgey on flight #2. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I hate water.

I hate water.

I hate it. I realize it's like 85% of your body, it's good for your skin, it makes your pee clear and less stinky, and it is for the most part the only way to survive. But I hate it. I mainly exist on nothing but coffee and wine. I understand that drinking water minimizes the post-wine purple lips in the morning. I understand that it will make my eyes less puffy and keep my liver more happy. But I'm not that vain so I'm actually judging you for thinking that.

I just can't bring myself to drink the stuff.

When I DO force myself to imbibe the tasteless, odorless, boring life juice, it has to be room temperature so I can chug it. I am definitely not going to sip the crap, so I need to be able to chug as much as possible before my brain takes back over and shuts the worthless "life saving" routine down.

I mean really, people are always whining about water weight. Guess what? No water = no weight! Tah dah! (Joking. The air diet is way more effective, duh.)

I have recently forced myself to drink enough La Croixs to get over the lack of delicious sugar, so that's been as close as I've been to a normal, functioning hydrator in a while. Seriously, if there was a Dehydration Anonymous club, I'd be so down to MC that little shindig.  And I'd serve coffee and beer. Both of which are made with water, I might add - they're just healthier options seeing as they're made from vegetables like hops and beans. I'm really doing myself a FAVOR.

If it doesn't do something to my mood, it feels like a total waste of my energy. Sleepiness is due to dehydration, you may say. Hence the coffee: sleepy no more. Body shutting down due to lack of my most basic needs, you may point out. Hence the wine: who cares?!

And the healthiest reason of all to be water free and proud- I pee less often, exposing myself to less public germs. Plus I'm supporting my economy. And I recycle. 

Proverbial win for mankind, I'd say. 

Do yourself a favor and drop the H2O for the Vino. You'll thank me in the morning, right after your skinny double macchiato.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Succulent should be a dirty word

Pinterest strikes again. This time in the vision of a succulent garden. I've been eyeing these adorable little glass spheres of unneedy greenery for over a year now... Never could find a reason to pull the trigger... But now in the bleak, bleakity bleakness of the Cincinnati winter I want some green in my life. And those fiddle leaf fern trees are just way the hell too expensive. Trendy trees are definitely something is never thought I'd be craving...

Mmmm figgy fern goodness

So yesterday I was running errands and headed to Home Depot. While waiting for my Cherry Cola paint selection for an accent wall I'm painting without permission in my apt, I wandered over to the plant section. The plant section in Ohio is approximately the size of a guest bathroom. Why? Because only garden assholes like me think they should be gardening when it's below zero outside. On that note I recently had a patch of grass delivered in more or less a pizza box for my puppy to poo in peace in. She wants nothing of it, and as such I now have a box o' turf on my porch, collecting snow...

Pre-porch... that would be a glass full of a random dog's yella snow.
Things get weird in Cincy.
I digress. I found some cute succulents. (What is a succubis? I know it's from some kiddy thing and I can't remember... But I want to say it every time I write succulent...) I then went to Michael's and found a mediocre glass bowl and some even more mediocre artsy fartsy pebbles and stones. I carried around a miniature dwarf in my basket for a hot minute until I remembered that I'm supposed to be hiding my Lord of the Rings affection from the public until my Frodo costume arrives for Comicon. Realizing the pebbles may not be enough, I bought some Spanish moss too. Which is absurd to have to pay for since I grew up with the stuff being a nuisance full of chiggers... Makes for great costume pubes though.

I got my goodies home and realized I'd made a whoopsie. Uh oh. They need dirt?! I've seen these things chilling in nothing but air! Clearly my green thumb and I are at a crossroads...

I know what you're thinking - they're going to let you procreate and care for a human at some point in the very distant future? But how human are babies, really? Much like a succulent they just need small amounts of food and daylight and someone to change their soil. See? I'm prepared.

After some prodding and digging and breaking of small plant arms, here's what I've got.

Pretty lame. I should've gotten a fish. And the gnome.

For added charm, I have been using a nettipot to water.  Straight from my nose to my little cacti friends.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Friday 5: Sh*t from My iPhone

Bought my animal a pricey ass new bed, since she about outgrew her old one.
She could give a rat's ass really enjoys watching it from afar.
Xmas stripes + plaid are way more in anyway, chevron was so Pinterest 2013

Enjoying a little Rum Chatta nightcap.
(my box of wine doesn't fit in our wine rack... shame)

As opposed to the repeat customers...
I pulled over to snap this, in the snow, and also to clean my windshield with a snowball.
Because that's how you roll in the Midwest.

A little "awwww" to warm your day: finally got to meet my faux-niece Emmeline after a great visit with her parents!

Met up with friends for dinner in Atlanta when I flew in on business.
They were superrr happy to see me.

Spotify might as well be sold in a dime bag

Some people use music to change their moods, and others use it to heighten whatever is their existing mood. I'm definitely a heightener. A glutton for self acknowledgement that whatever I'm feeling is totally justified. Nothing gets me going like geeking out on too much caffeine and then ensuring near heart attack by blasting some skrillex and playing a loaded game of doodle jump. 

Anxiety? Peaked. 

In a moment of teenage angsty depression, my freshman roommate found me in our dorm, lights out, naked in a towel, sobbing to some Colorblind a la that Ryan Phillepe movie where everyone slits their wrists in the end and he bangs his sister, Buffy. Gotta love it. 

I feel like my playlist should be used to push me over the edge into whatever psycho mental state I'm in at the moment. Gym time? Pop in (a term nobody but old farts like me will ever understand anymore) some MJ and let's sweat it out to some sweet molestation vibes. Jammin in the Caribbean? Obvi throw on the beach music and steel drums, which nobody actually listens to unless they're moments away from an inappropriate cornrow experience.

Totally seemed like a good move at Senor Frogs...

I do this with drinks in restaurants too. Sapporo and sake? NEVER ordered unless I'm eating sushi, then you might as well call me Sensei and wax me on down. Corona only in Mexican restaurants, and why the hell would you order a Red Stripe, unless it paired perfectly with your Jamaican jerk chicken? 

Is there such a thing as situational alcohol?

Friday, January 24, 2014

Crazy Ass Cabbette

Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I was out the door to my cab at 5:30am Monday morning. I should've known something was amiss when the cabbie was parked in the middle of the street, as if I could be strolling out of Ruth's Chris instead of the apartments. She got right to the point - she was tired, she was out of gas, and she'd like to have my autograph because her boss told her I was famous. 

The conversation moved on quickly after I assured her I was not making 30 minute eggs in the backseat, to more political topics like the streetcars coming to Cincy. "Why is one going in the ghetto?", she asked. Then, using her best vocal range, she proceeded to mimic a crackhead with a needle, a tranny holding a man's hand and a prostitute, all on one street car, all upsetting her faux child Marie. Valid points. 

We moved on - now she was asking me if I get more attention with long hair or short hair. She has grown hers out natural, but it's braided and she doesn't want the wrong attention. She's waiting till her boyfriend gets out of jail - he's been locked up 2 years, one year left - and then she's going to get her hair relaxed. She is very sexually frustrated, even with the video visits they're allowed to have every 30 min. "I go off on him about the slightest things and then "ughhhh" you know?"

I know, lady. I do.

Now we've moved on to celebrities: Beyoncé is getting all naked these days. Talking about surfing like she's in California. Talking about her sex life in that new video... I have no idea what video she's referring to, but I did get in a good point about her long hair getting more attention than the other DC girls' back in '99.

It wasn't until the "discreet" roll down of the window in the 20 degree weather that I realized Cool Mom cabbie was a little gassy, and I needed out immediately. 

While I waited for Cool Mom Cabbette to get gas... which she later paid me back for, out of her butt.
Please note hot-wired meter... 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Things that Make My Type-A & OCD Uncomfortable

  • Closed shower curtains, from the outside.  
    • Thank you, Psycho.  Even though logic tells me the crazy dude came from outside, what if he's hanging on the inside in the sequel?
    • This is likely a standard problem - the real issue is that I'm just as uncomfortable when they're wide open and therefore uneven...

  • Using the last of something.
    • Ever since I was a kid this has been a big one.  I almost never opened a single arts and crafts project, for fear of having a *better* time to do it later and it being gone.  This is now true of makeup and bath products.  Seriously, what if you are going to be WAY more interested in the last of the coconut shampoo tomorrow than you are today?  You just can't be sure!
    • Actually I get really pissed at hubs when he does this in the fridge, which it seems to be mainly related to his last bite of hummus... what's up with that, crazy eyes?

  • Loose socks inside my shoes.
    • I was told by the Duke TIP program this is a sign of being gifted.  Sounds about as logical as it should.
    • Loose couch covers have this same effect - causing uncontrollable itching and fidgeting.
That makes me itchy just looking at it...
  • Open cabinets and drawers.
    • Uniformity people.  My family used to think it was hilarious to leave these open on purpose.  Terrorizing their own kin just for kicks.
This is what I got when I googled "closed cabinet gif"
From my confused screen to yours.
  • Not following the rules.
    • This is sadly one of the reasons I knew I needed to marry my husband.  2 years ago during the Great Atlanta Snowpocalypse, he decided to blow up the air mattress in the living room (of his studio apt... 2.5 feet from the bed) and have an all-day picnic and movie fest in plastic-air-bed.  Mind blown.  That is clearly not what those are for.  And they certainly are not meant for sleeping in your own house!
    • Last Thanksgiving he dared to push the two couches together and make a fort!  What?!  Who told him he could do that?  My type-A mind loves this completely inappropriate rule-breaking because it would never even occur to me that this was an option.  Ever.
Our holiday fort!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Friday 5: Random Sh*t from my iPhone

Jack Frost defecated on my window sill during the -35 degree party last week.
That is the INSIDE of my window.  #$@&!!

Been hunting down some Zanotti heelless beauties for a while now.
Finally caved - can't wait for summer... and someone to carry me... and my butler, Mr. Jeeves
GZ + yoga pants = Bravo television star in training

How to overcome the two-drink maximum at a sports game...
16 oz of pure, adult grape juice joy is enough to make anyone into a hockey fan.

Left the apartment long enough to get blown across the bridge over to KY

KY... where 1954 is just like yesterday.  And tomorrow...

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Honeymoon, Part Deux

Deux?  Deaux?  Really just needed some random letters to make me feel fancy, 
mostly because there's an x...

Patrick and I went on our honeymoon last year in July to the British Virgin Islands.  And it was phenomenal.  We stayed on a little island called Scrub Island that just has a resort on it and nothing else.  It's technically a Marriott resort, from their Autograph collection, but you would never know Marriott had anything to do with it (even their shampoos are L'Occitane, not Marriott).

Scrub Island, from their website

I'll post some of my pics in a second to prove just how over the top fabulous this place is.  My family has gone down to various parts of the Caribbean a bunch of times.  Patrick and I took a cruise through the area a few years ago (never, never again.).  But nothing compared to the epicness of being lazy on your own island for a week.  We were actually there doing the faux Puerto Rican holiday "Christmas in July" - which meant there were insane numbers of billion dollar yachts and catamarans with some seriously ready-to-party Puerto Ricans on board all day and night in our marina.  It was awesome.  We met lots of fun people and when we weren't drinking our faces off and eating their homemade empanadas we were sleeping it off in the private nooks and crannies around the little island.  We chartered a sailboat for a full day when we were there, which counted as our main activity besides the spa.  Our captain (Capt. Bob, naturally) was so perplexed about our request to "just sail around" - he kept asking "don't you want to snorkel?" No.  "Don't you want to scuba?"  No.  Just take us to that little bar on Cooper Island and then pass me another beer on the way back.  It was beautiful, lazy and incredible.

All this is to say... we're going back!  My friend Fiona and her now husband were down there a year ago also, but didn't stay on land - then rented a sailboat and cruised around the whole time.  So this time, we're going along too!  Because why wouldn't you repeat your honeymoon 9 months later??  Better than something else you could be paying for 9 months after your marriage.  Just saying...

We are renting a 39' sailboat for the four of us and have zero plans except to hit the Baths on Virgin Gorda and Soggy Dollar bar, which we somehow missed last time.  I am an eternal planner, so this would usually be a little bit of a frightening experience, but there is literally nothing to do down there except listen to steel drums, drink umbrella drinks, and lay around like a fatty in the sunshine.  Which you will be after too many Painkiller drinks.  Pinky promise.  BVIs, round 2... 10 weeks and counting!

39' Monohull (sailor speak) we're renting in March!

Honeymoon recap!:

On top of Salt Island, super close to Scrub where we were staying

Fake-sailing the Bravura - Cooper Island in the background.

King of the Islands.
Shameless butt-plug.  (Teehee!)

The head chef of Scrub invited us to kayak on over to his personal beach on the other side of Scrub... just us!
He's the only resident on the island and his house was featured in Coastal Living!

P surprised me with a private dinner on the beach the last night!

Scrub at night, all lit up from the Puerto Rican yachts for "Christmas in July"
They have neon running under their boats - it's pretty awesome!

From the ferry on the way to Tortola from St. Thomas - only gray we saw all week!

The neon from the yachts lights up all the fishies!
We may or may not have been fished out of the marina by security on our first night...

Me in the infinity edge pool overlooking the marina

At the Spa, looking out onto Beef Island.

From the top of Scrub.  Don't mind the helipad in the corner.

Just add Corona

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Devil's Wife Fights Back

Hubster and I have officially settled into Cinci, hunkered down over the holidays, gained a siamese twin apiece in alcohol and lardable chunkiness and are in the midst of surviving what can only be described as frozen hell.  We also took in some sporting events, made some new friends and celebrated one of my very best childhood friend's recent engagements in NC.  A hell of a start to 2014 if I do say so myself!

Then, yesterday happened.

According to people in mostly Alabama, if the sun is shining while it's raining, the devil is busy beating his wife.  Given the same context and what is happening outside my abode at this very moment, I'd say wifey decided to fight back.  Big time.  Home girl spent her holiday studying up on this:
maybe a little of this:

and has taken matters into her own hands, in a charming display of blistering winds and wind chills approaching -35.  Negative.  Thirty.  Five.
Sidenote: It took me forever to find this gif, I keep thinking these commercials are for insurance...
nice work AT&T.

To put that charming temperature into perspective, it is the same number of degrees different from freezing as the difference between freezing and 99 degrees.  There are warnings flying across my screen about exposed skin getting frostbite after 5 min.  Hubs stuck his nip on the window this morning to test out this theory, and appeared sorely disappointed to still have both after several minutes.

I am boiling water on the stove for warmth because my heat can't keep up.  [That's mostly a lie, it's because I wanted to make some of that bomb Aveda tea.  Hair products and crack-tea, who knew?]

Finnley has on her favorite ugly Christmas sweater and we have purchased her a new set of booties, which is much less entertaining than I had hoped.  But here she is channeling her inner Jessica Rabbit in her first encounter with snow a few weeks ago:

Survival mode kids, survival mode.  Even the local ski slope, Perfect North, is closed due to the cold...  I have yet to see this Perfect North... but considering the nearest hotel to it is at the airport, which I have flown into on several occassions, and I have yet to see anything even resembling a large hill in the area... I am highly suspicious of the slopeness and skiability...  Didn't stop me from getting this fuzzy piece of heaven last week!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Recap of My Month Long Bender

Conscious decision to enjoy my weeks off during the holiday to unpack, organize, and explore Cincinnati and make some new friends in the process.  All while unplugging from this bad boy.

Without further a do, my December bender, in review:

Went to frigid Bengals games (twice).
Got harassed by large man behind us sick of the selfie-cam in his face, hence the photo of us in the bottom right.

Braved the latest Hobbit.  Unsure what part of the 14 part "trilogy" we are now on.
They are clearly all the same, and all entertaining nonetheless:
Hobbits fulfill little-people fetishes, Orlando bats for the other team, Dumbledore visits from Hogwarts.

Missed the Santacon memo.
Preparation have begun for next year.

Found Finnley a friend.
Meet Bertha, my new pet pelt.

Regretted not purchasing Galaxy Cat Pants from Target.

Reunited with roomie and friends from freshman year at UPenn!

Met up with my cousin and her bf in NYC!
Learned what it's like to fly out of not-Atlanta.

Saw the Nutcracker and washed it down with some amazing ice cream.
Added ice skating to our Cinci bucket list.

Checked out the home rival game of Xavier - Univ of Cincinnati.
They serve beer, so I don't know who won.

Celebrated Christmas our way, with meat, cheese and booze (also the traditional Ray crab bisque!)
The underage kid at the package store assured me Fireball + Rum Chata are what the kids drink these days... 

First bathroom stall selfie!
Added "maturity" to my 2014 Resolution list.

Explored Mt. Adams (patio bar).

Pre and post-gamed our NYE celebrations with these bad boys.
Toasted NYE at a delicious Italian place in OTR.
I do consider myself cooler because I know what OTR means and you don't.

Brought in the New Year with new friends, our next door neighbors!
Vowed never to return to the Cinci casino for fear of catching bankruptcy and airborne herpes.

Killed another animal for my new Eskimo jacket.
What did this fox say?  Nothing his grandmother would be proud to hear.

Got stuck in the airport for 8 hours trying to get to an engagement party I co-hosted for my childhood bestie.
Made some new friends [on my iPad].
Finally arrived to be greeted by this fool, unsure where the people driving the jetway were.
Waited another 30+ min for them to page someone to attach us to the airport.

Visited the gorgeous Raleigh outdoor museum, including Rodin sculpture garden for bff's engagement photos.
Not stealing her thunder, so I won't post any... but wow.  What a location and what a gorgeous couple!  Will link once she posts!

Link ups: Funday Monday, Transatlantic Blonde, Monday Bloom