Succulent should be a dirty word

Pinterest strikes again. This time in the vision of a succulent garden. I've been eyeing these adorable little glass spheres of unneedy greenery for over a year now... Never could find a reason to pull the trigger... But now in the bleak, bleakity bleakness of the Cincinnati winter I want some green in my life. And those fiddle leaf fern trees are just way the hell too expensive. Trendy trees are definitely something is never thought I'd be craving...

Mmmm figgy fern goodness

So yesterday I was running errands and headed to Home Depot. While waiting for my Cherry Cola paint selection for an accent wall I'm painting without permission in my apt, I wandered over to the plant section. The plant section in Ohio is approximately the size of a guest bathroom. Why? Because only garden assholes like me think they should be gardening when it's below zero outside. On that note I recently had a patch of grass delivered in more or less a pizza box for my puppy to poo in peace in. She wants nothing of it, and as such I now have a box o' turf on my porch, collecting snow...

Pre-porch... that would be a glass full of a random dog's yella snow.
Things get weird in Cincy.

I digress. I found some cute succulents. (What is a succubis? I know it's from some kiddy thing and I can't remember... But I want to say it every time I write succulent...) I then went to Michael's and found a mediocre glass bowl and some even more mediocre artsy fartsy pebbles and stones. I carried around a miniature dwarf in my basket for a hot minute until I remembered that I'm supposed to be hiding my Lord of the Rings affection from the public until my Frodo costume arrives for Comicon. Realizing the pebbles may not be enough, I bought some Spanish moss too. Which is absurd to have to pay for since I grew up with the stuff being a nuisance full of chiggers... Makes for great costume pubes though.

I got my goodies home and realized I'd made a whoopsie. Uh oh. They need dirt?! I've seen these things chilling in nothing but air! Clearly my green thumb and I are at a crossroads...

I know what you're thinking - they're going to let you procreate and care for a human at some point in the very distant future? But how human are babies, really? Much like a succulent they just need small amounts of food and daylight and someone to change their soil. See? I'm prepared.

After some prodding and digging and breaking of small plant arms, here's what I've got.

Pretty lame. I should've gotten a fish. And the gnome.

For added charm, I have been using a nettipot to water.  Straight from my nose to my little cacti friends.

Friday 5: Sh*t from My iPhone

Bought my animal a pricey ass new bed, since she about outgrew her old one.
She could give a rat's ass really enjoys watching it from afar.
Xmas stripes + plaid are way more in anyway, chevron was so Pinterest 2013

Enjoying a little Rum Chatta nightcap.
(my box of wine doesn't fit in our wine rack... shame)

As opposed to the repeat customers...
I pulled over to snap this, in the snow, and also to clean my windshield with a snowball.
Because that's how you roll in the Midwest.

A little "awwww" to warm your day: finally got to meet my faux-niece Emmeline after a great visit with her parents!

Met up with friends for dinner in Atlanta when I flew in on business.
They were superrr happy to see me.

Crazy Ass Cabbette

Bright eyed and bushy tailed, I was out the door to my cab at 5:30am Monday morning. I should've known something was amiss when the cabbie was parked in the middle of the street, as if I could be strolling out of Ruth's Chris instead of the apartments. She got right to the point - she was tired, she was out of gas, and she'd like to have my autograph because her boss told her I was famous. 

The conversation moved on quickly after I assured her I was not making 30 minute eggs in the backseat, to more political topics like the streetcars coming to Cincy. "Why is one going in the ghetto?", she asked. Then, using her best vocal range, she proceeded to mimic a crackhead with a needle, a tranny holding a man's hand and a prostitute, all on one street car, all upsetting her faux child Marie. Valid points. 

We moved on - now she was asking me if I get more attention with long hair or short hair. She has grown hers out natural, but it's braided and she doesn't want the wrong attention. She's waiting till her boyfriend gets out of jail - he's been locked up 2 years, one year left - and then she's going to get her hair relaxed. She is very sexually frustrated, even with the video visits they're allowed to have every 30 min. "I go off on him about the slightest things and then "ughhhh" you know?"

I know, lady. I do.

Now we've moved on to celebrities: Beyoncé is getting all naked these days. Talking about surfing like she's in California. Talking about her sex life in that new video... I have no idea what video she's referring to, but I did get in a good point about her long hair getting more attention than the other DC girls' back in '99.

It wasn't until the "discreet" roll down of the window in the 20 degree weather that I realized Cool Mom cabbie was a little gassy, and I needed out immediately. 

While I waited for Cool Mom Cabbette to get gas... which she later paid me back for, out of her butt.
Please note hot-wired meter... 

The Devil's Wife Fights Back

Hubster and I have officially settled into Cinci, hunkered down over the holidays, gained a siamese twin apiece in alcohol and lardable chunkiness and are in the midst of surviving what can only be described as frozen hell.  We also took in some sporting events, made some new friends and celebrated one of my very best childhood friend's recent engagements in NC.  A hell of a start to 2014 if I do say so myself!

Then, yesterday happened.

According to people in mostly Alabama, if the sun is shining while it's raining, the devil is busy beating his wife.  Given the same context and what is happening outside my abode at this very moment, I'd say wifey decided to fight back.  Big time.  Home girl spent her holiday studying up on this:

maybe a little of this:

and has taken matters into her own hands, in a charming display of blistering winds and wind chills approaching -35.  Negative.  Thirty.  Five.

Sidenote: It took me forever to find this gif, I keep thinking these commercials are for insurance...

nice work AT&T.

To put that charming temperature into perspective, it is the same number of degrees different from freezing as the difference between freezing and 99 degrees.  There are warnings flying across my screen about exposed skin getting frostbite after 5 min.  Hubs stuck his nip on the window this morning to test out this theory, and appeared sorely disappointed to still have both after several minutes.

I am boiling water on the stove for warmth because my heat can't keep up.  [That's mostly a lie, it's because I wanted to make some of that bomb Aveda tea.  Hair products and crack-tea, who knew?]

Finnley has on her favorite ugly Christmas sweater and we have purchased her a new set of booties, which is much less entertaining than I had hoped.  But here she is channeling her inner Jessica Rabbit in her first encounter with snow a few weeks ago:

Survival mode kids, survival mode.  Even the local ski slope, Perfect North, is closed due to the cold...  I have yet to see this Perfect North... but considering the nearest hotel to it is at the airport, which I have flown into on several occassions, and I have yet to see anything even resembling a large hill in the area... I am highly suspicious of the slopeness and skiability...  Didn't stop me from getting this fuzzy piece of heaven last week!

North Face Osito

Recap of My Month Long Bender

Conscious decision to enjoy my weeks off during the holiday to unpack, organize, and explore Cincinnati and make some new friends in the process.  All while unplugging from this bad boy.

Without further a do, my December bender, in review:

Went to frigid Bengals games (twice).
Got harassed by large man behind us sick of the selfie-cam in his face, hence the photo of us in the bottom right.

Braved the latest Hobbit.  Unsure what part of the 14 part "trilogy" we are now on.
They are clearly all the same, and all entertaining nonetheless:
Hobbits fulfill little-people fetishes, Orlando bats for the other team, Dumbledore visits from Hogwarts.

Missed the Santacon memo.
Preparation have begun for next year.

Found Finnley a friend.
Meet Bertha, my new pet pelt.

Regretted not purchasing Galaxy Cat Pants from Target.

Reunited with roomie and friends from freshman year at UPenn!

Met up with my cousin and her bf in NYC!

Learned what it's like to fly out of not-Atlanta.

Saw the Nutcracker and washed it down with some amazing ice cream.
Added ice skating to our Cinci bucket list.

Checked out the home rival game of Xavier - Univ of Cincinnati.
They serve beer, so I don't know who won.

Celebrated Christmas our way, with meat, cheese and booze (also the traditional Ray crab bisque!)
The underage kid at the package store assured me Fireball + Rum Chata are what the kids drink these days... 

First bathroom stall selfie!
Added "maturity" to my 2014 Resolution list.

Explored Mt. Adams (patio bar).

Pre and post-gamed our NYE celebrations with these bad boys.

Toasted NYE at a delicious Italian place in OTR.
I do consider myself cooler because I know what OTR means and you don't.

Brought in the New Year with new friends, our next door neighbors!
Vowed never to return to the Cinci casino for fear of catching bankruptcy and airborne herpes.

Killed another animal for my new Eskimo jacket.
What did this fox say?  Nothing his grandmother would be proud to hear.

Got stuck in the airport for 8 hours trying to get to an engagement party I co-hosted for my childhood bestie.
Made some new friends [on my iPad].

Finally arrived to be greeted by this fool, unsure where the people driving the jetway were.
Waited another 30+ min for them to page someone to attach us to the airport.

Visited the gorgeous Raleigh outdoor museum, including Rodin sculpture garden for bff's engagement photos.
Not stealing her thunder, so I won't post any... but wow.  What a location and what a gorgeous couple!  Will link once she posts!

Link ups: Funday Monday, Transatlantic Blonde, Monday Bloom

Holiday Cheer is Finally Here

While our house may still be a debacle of cardboard boxes, insane amounts of unnecessarily clothing (due entirely to my the Hubs' obsession with coats, and none of my own) and two people now working from home without a desk or breath of fresh air... we found the Christmas supplies this afternoon!

Up went the mini tree and around the house I sprinkled the few measly bits of holiday cheer I could muster the energy to put up, knowing they were coming down in (presumably) 3 short weeks.  But seeing as how this is a new city and we know nobody... no promises on these puppies not making it straight through to Spring.  I have literally no where left to store any of them anyway!  

Love these little guys - especially the feathers!

I will so miss Swoozies :(
Best place in Atlanta to get super cute hostess gifts and fun house decor, especially at the holidays.

Fun Mrs. Claus apron from the mom-in-law last year.

No mantle - haven't Macgivered anything crazy yet to substitute, but I'm pontificating as we speak!
I lucked out and got some great family ornaments this year from my parents!

Cute set my brother made me for Christmas a couple of years ago, when we celebrated in NOLA.

At first I thought this was one of those horrible "Keep Calm And...." things when I unpacked it.
After I got over my mortification at having bought something so cliche, I remembered this has sparkles! and stopped caring.

Mr. Claus looking festive, and demonstrating our serious spacial issues in the house right now!
This is our "home office" - mine is located at the dining room table!

Friday 5: Random Sh*t from my iPhone

Last night in the house - we pushed the couches together and made a pillow fort in the living room!
Rule breakers... honey badger don't care.

My first view of Cincinnati - pretty sweet way to drive in!

Off our balcony, looking at the water and the gorgeous bridge!

First adult bevvies as Ohio-ens (Ohians? Ohioooons?) at YardHouse across the street.
Big timin' is how we do.

Getting in the Christmas spirit while doing some unpacking and organizing!