I hate water.

I hate water.

I hate it. I realize it's like 85% of your body, it's good for your skin, it makes your pee clear and less stinky, and it is for the most part the only way to survive. But I hate it. I mainly exist on nothing but coffee and wine. I understand that drinking water minimizes the post-wine purple lips in the morning. I understand that it will make my eyes less puffy and keep my liver more happy. But I'm not that vain so I'm actually judging you for thinking that.

I just can't bring myself to drink the stuff.

When I DO force myself to imbibe the tasteless, odorless, boring life juice, it has to be room temperature so I can chug it. I am definitely not going to sip the crap, so I need to be able to chug as much as possible before my brain takes back over and shuts the worthless "life saving" routine down.

I mean really, people are always whining about water weight. Guess what? No water = no weight! Tah dah! (Joking. The air diet is way more effective, duh.)

I have recently forced myself to drink enough La Croixs to get over the lack of delicious sugar, so that's been as close as I've been to a normal, functioning hydrator in a while. Seriously, if there was a Dehydration Anonymous club, I'd be so down to MC that little shindig.  And I'd serve coffee and beer. Both of which are made with water, I might add - they're just healthier options seeing as they're made from vegetables like hops and beans. I'm really doing myself a FAVOR.

If it doesn't do something to my mood, it feels like a total waste of my energy. Sleepiness is due to dehydration, you may say. Hence the coffee: sleepy no more. Body shutting down due to lack of my most basic needs, you may point out. Hence the wine: who cares?!

And the healthiest reason of all to be water free and proud- I pee less often, exposing myself to less public germs. Plus I'm supporting my economy. And I recycle. 

Proverbial win for mankind, I'd say. 

Do yourself a favor and drop the H2O for the Vino. You'll thank me in the morning, right after your skinny double macchiato.

Things that Make My Type-A & OCD Uncomfortable

• Closed shower curtains, from the outside.  
• Thank you, Psycho.  Even though logic tells me the crazy dude came from outside, what if he's hanging on the inside in the sequel?
• This is likely a standard problem - the real issue is that I'm just as uncomfortable when they're wide open and therefore uneven...

• Using the last of something.
• Ever since I was a kid this has been a big one.  I almost never opened a single arts and crafts project, for fear of having a *better* time to do it later and it being gone.  This is now true of makeup and bath products.  Seriously, what if you are going to be WAY more interested in the last of the coconut shampoo tomorrow than you are today?  You just can't be sure!
• Actually I get really pissed at hubs when he does this in the fridge, which it seems to be mainly related to his last bite of hummus... what's up with that, crazy eyes?

• Loose socks inside my shoes.
• I was told by the Duke TIP program this is a sign of being gifted.  Sounds about as logical as it should.
• Loose couch covers have this same effect - causing uncontrollable itching and fidgeting.

That makes me itchy just looking at it...

• Open cabinets and drawers.
• Uniformity people.  My family used to think it was hilarious to leave these open on purpose.  Terrorizing their own kin just for kicks.

This is what I got when I googled "closed cabinet gif"
From my confused screen to yours.

• Not following the rules.
• This is sadly one of the reasons I knew I needed to marry my husband.  2 years ago during the Great Atlanta Snowpocalypse, he decided to blow up the air mattress in the living room (of his studio apt... 2.5 feet from the bed) and have an all-day picnic and movie fest in plastic-air-bed.  Mind blown.  That is clearly not what those are for.  And they certainly are not meant for sleeping in your own house!
• Last Thanksgiving he dared to push the two couches together and make a fort!  What?!  Who told him he could do that?  My type-A mind loves this completely inappropriate rule-breaking because it would never even occur to me that this was an option.  Ever.

Our holiday fort!