Thursday, November 21, 2013

Things That Go "F You" in the Night

It seemed like such a bright idea to go to bed early tonight. 9pm early. Hubs was sleepy. I was sleepy. The jalapeño margarita from Verde was resting peacefully in my tummy. And causing some old lady heart burn.

11:45 - I wake up to hubs wandering around the room with his iPhone flashlight on. "Wtf are you doing?" "I swear I heard an animal making noises on your side of the bed..." "You mean our dog who sleeps on my side of the bed every night?" "No, a different one... on the ground." "Shut up and go back to bed."

12:15 - hubs jerk-punches me in the back, just in case I'd gone back to bed from the someone-else's-animal-under-the-bed incident already. Good to have you home, honey.

12:35 - finished to-do list for tomorrow, including such exciting reminders as "take a shower" and "when the F are the movers getting here?"

1:03 - finish creeping on Blogs, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Contemplate investigating Tumblr.

1:05 - realize I have no idea what Tumblr is nor anyone on it. Attempt to Snapchat a selfie in the dark.

1:10 - run out of coins on Scramble with Friends.

1:11 - punch hubs in the back for good measure.

1:12 - begin perusing LifeLock for any new, known sex offenders in 10 mile radius. Nothing like a pedophile's mugshot to put me into a deep slumber, apparently.

1:18 - Not a lot of new statutory raping going on this month it seems, must be the change in weather.

1:19 - Give up and eat a Tums. Tequila, you're such a whorebag.

Edit: 1:26 - Hubs jerks himself awake, flashlight is out again. "Now what?" "I felt something crawling on my neck. [No, he didn't] Why are you up?" "Bc I married your annoying ass." "Oh." Then he proceeds to unmuffled and unabashedly poot himself back to sleep.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Old lady heartburn is the WORST. I recently got heartburn from a banana. Yes, a freakin' BANANA. Dafuuuuq?! Also, I have no idea what tumbler is either. I get pictures from there every once a while but I have NO clue how it works and I'll be honest... I'm kinda too lazy to figure it out. :)

  2. LOL. I extra enjoyed this one. Tried sharing it with Jeff... He asked if you ever blogged about him bruising your cooch


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